I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
This toilet bowl is my home.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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