Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
