my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
