Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
