I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
