he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
