Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
