I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
