Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
