you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
