Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
