I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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