Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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