definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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