This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
