On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
