remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
