This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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