the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
