My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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