Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
