I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
