I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
