My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
