...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
