i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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