you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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