I wannas sexs uuuuu
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
