if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
