your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
