I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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