I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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