Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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