I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
