it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
