And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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