i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
