She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
