i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
