Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize