Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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