And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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