i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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