I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
