i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
