So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
