Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
