But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
