The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize