I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
