If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Randomize
