I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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