I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
