why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
