I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
