i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's blow job season.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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