I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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