He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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