batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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