she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
