He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
