my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
