I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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