drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
