I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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