Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
