I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm at about main and main street
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
